(Sunday morning sermon)
We missed printing this in the Sunday bulletin but starting next week we’re planning to use all the wonderful technology that’s available to us these days. We are asking all the parish members to go online to the parish website and backslash “communion.” Here you’ll be prompted to enter your name and other information along with a credit card. Not to worry, the credit card will only be used for a monthly small fee to monitor who can receive Communion and who cannot. Your credit card information is truly safe with the Catholic Church. Believe me.
We should have begun this years ago but we are a little behind in this regard. Then, the following Sunday when you approach me for Communion, simply bring your iPhone and scan your phone for complete verification. If you do not own an iPhone, you have this one week to purchase one. We’re working with Apple to make this effort seamless and convenient for all of you. Because you see this way we can weed out the gays, illicitly married, those in cohabitation and those folks without an annulment. Why gays are mixed up with the rest of them is beyond me but I trust it’s in the Catholic Church’s wisdom to do so.
(cell phone rings)
Oh, I apologize but I got to take this, it’s the home office. Hey, how are you? Oh, it’s you, Holy Father. With the time difference, you must be up late. I’m, I’m fine, thank you for asking. Yes, that’s right, I still have the Audi convertible. I know, I know but it’s a nice car. Yes, yes, I’m standing in front of them right now. You say that it’s all changed! How can that happen, Holy Father. Only 30 years ago gays were “morally” something horrible and now, you say now it’s changing? And what about all those married folks – illicitly married (which no one understands except priests and bishops), cohabitation, and those without annulments? You say they are all now cleared for Communion.
Excuse my imprudence, Holy Father, but for how many years they couldn’t receive Communion and now they can? How can they all be something horribly “morally” wrong but now it’s okay? I know, I know you have a busy day ahead of you and you’re making my sermon a lot longer than it normally is. All right, then. You got it. You’re the big guy. Thanks, and please rethink the car thing. I like it. Okay, bye.
Alright folks. You can forget about the iPhone and technology. I don’t mind telling you that I’m wondering what’s on the Catholic Church’s mind. Could it be the mind of God?”