“The End?”

the-end-3We know there’s an ending as soon as it begins. Midway through we see the end coming. After a play’s intermission we know it’s about to happen because the second act is shorter than the first.

But the first act? Ahhh. Stumblingly and gloriously meeting unknown faces – soon to be friends, allies or “just those other people” who work there. Beginnings also contain surprising expectations that expect our immediate attention.

At your first meeting at that new job, it becomes clear to others that you don’t like meetings so that thought is stored away in their minds’ newly-minted-empty folder called, “The New Guy.”

I have a friend who reads the last page of a book’s first. Weird? Then he reads the entire book. OCD? Perhaps, but as he reads the book he’s now connected to its ending so the unfolding was only a mystery to the writer. At home, I’ll rewind and watch the end of a movie several times to make sure I’ve sewn up the plot’s resolutions as well as the leading man did. “But what about that other thing?” I say to myself when he solves it in one sentence. “I thought that thing was an important part of the movie?” I complain to my cat but the leading man gave me the ending; usually wrapping it up in sixty seconds or less.

“Ending.” There’s an ending because there’s a beginning. God’s creation saw to that. It’s not that God knows our endings but what is created now will soon become a “then.”  (Funeral directors will never say, “Thank you for your business” because they know you’ll return.)

“The End” is followed by what scrolls upwards as you try to read who else was in that movie you’ve just enjoyed. “The End” means the restaurant bill was paid and now it is, “Your place or mine?” “The End” is eighth-grade graduation when how many more years (and how many loans) burden in your future.

“‘The end’ will never come,” says a ninety-year-old with no living or final will. “She looks good to us,” we say to ourselves, “Hell, she looks eighty?” (As though eighty-years-old is young?!) Inside out thoughts, we wonder if she thinks she’ll be the first person to live on Mars.

“It can’t happen to me,” I tell myself because I’m valuable to the company and its philosophical philosophy. “Other folks, maybe, but not me,” when waking up in the morning knowing that my today might be my “ending” day.

“The Party’s Over,” “The fat lady’s sings,” “It’s the bottom of the ninth,” “The clock struck twelve,” “Thank you for coming,” “You’ve been a great audience,” “It became a pumpkin again.”

“Just a minute or two longer?” you say to whoever is above you but he only shows you silence. (I think they teach a class in that.)

It’s the “end,” with only its “befores” in front of you with little thought of its “afters” which then make you an “after.” The “befores” are cherished for a long, long time and the “afters” are now those longer days with no divisions of time.

Death has no ending in our Christian faith. This life was meant as a prelude to something greater and grandeur. Yet what can be more grandeur than still a loving family to hug off to sleep, a fireplace to ponder nothing and everything, a surprised sympathy call from a friend after hearing about your “ending,” or family and friends celebrating Ethel’s 89th year life ending, that empty, stupid chair that your husband loved, that song at your wedding, that moment on vacation when you met someone and laughed the night away but who remains nameless.

Does it all end or does that ending continue to live and breath in a life that’s still breathing. “Even in death, the deceased continue to live,” we all faithfully believe and want to feel.

“The End.”

Those two words are the movie’s way of concluding itself to get people out of the theater to clean up your lost popcorn. The movies that, both in film and real life, I watch again and again are the experiences and encounters of my life that I can relive again and again. And believe me, I do.

“The End.”

Books by Fr. Joe Jagodensky, SDS.
Available at Amazon.com:
“Soulful Musings”
“Living Faith’s Mysteries”
“Spiritual Wonderings and Wanderings”

Posted in Being Fired, Spirituality | 1 Comment

A Cat’s Sleeping Moment

sleeping_cat_clip_art_5960He jumps up on the top of the couch to feel the sun at mid-afternoon. He enjoys the warmth until a bird settles on the neighbor’s roof. Gawking sounds emit but to no avail. That cute bird is not about to be his.

His cleaning now begins as though his cleaning twenty minutes ago wasn’t sufficient. Cat cleaning takes quite a while. Every claw needs special attention. (It only takes me three minutes, and I have water!)

His waging tail leisurely tucks itself inside his hind legs and his front paw becomes a pillow for a slowly falling, weary head. (He just finished a nap one hour ago.) His eyes are wide open but you’re able to see its glassiness as though, as though…; there the head goes down, resting itself on the newly named pillow followed by a long sigh that would mean to us that someone died.

If bliss is not the word then I have no idea to better describe a cat’s sleep. Is he dreaming about lost mice and missed birds? Is he hoping that I find a job to continue feeding him? Does he ponder those large, deposited stools that I need to scoop out each night? A deep sleep envelopes him with a heavy breathing that gently relaxes. Any mother would envy a cat’s sleep with her three children in the next room, wondering about their future’s future.

A quick tick is heard and his eyes open widely before I hear the stupid, silly tick. Alert. Ready. Armed. He looks around and waits for another ticking sound. Doesn’t happen. The head and eyes both begin to lower themselves in harmony. (I should be so lucky with my 1:00 a.m. cigarette after going to bed at 11:00 p.m.) His head reclines with again those dreams “Of Mice and Birds?”

He’ll respite there until the need for affection awakens him. He’ll jump up on me and extend those cleaned claws into my shoulders and stare me in my face and I wonder what he’s thinking or is he thinking at all.

He warmly looks at me but he can’t smile because he’s a cat. But I can.

Books by Fr. Joe Jagodensky, SDS.
Available at Amazon.com:
“Soulful Musings”
“Living Faith’s Mysteries”
“Spiritual Wonderings and Wanderings”

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Counties of the Holy Spirit

7-gifts-banner-copy-copyIt’s a state with counties familiar to us. The name may live within you, making it your “state of mind”.

The northern county in this state is called “Courage” for its brute strength, often vengeful whose county symbol is bulging biceps and tight thighs. Fortunately, “Patience” is the neighboring county which often smiles at Courage’s laws, practices and bar hours. Courage’s only reflection is the morning mirror.

“Fortitude” county is on the opposite side of the state and brags of her gentle persistence and a nod to her sister county, “Hope” which can live fancifully in your mind or can ennoble your faith. Fortitude passed a resolution inviting Courage residents to visit a china store and lift just one object, hold it and then return it to the shelve. Fortitude never heard back.

Below Fortitude is “Wisdom” county which is the state’s oldest and has the lowest unemployment rate. It’s not that Wisdom is that smart but it’s deeper than smart; experiences yield lessons, some small and others that enlarge life.

“Counsel” lies at the bottom of the state asking questions only to receive a new question, just like a rabbi would do. This forces Courage to either rephrase his question or ask a new, clearer one.

In the center of the state is “Understanding” which hasn’t had an easy time of it. Industry’s left and service jobs are now the offerings to its population. She wants to live up to her county’s name and holds out for a dialogue with all the counties.

Directly below Understanding lands “Knowledge,” the state’s second oldest county. Knowledge has so much of it that it appears the other counties are either jealous or just don’t care about history or its past or what he can teach the other counties. It’s a lonely county, mostly older folks sitting on storefront benches throwing dates back and forth to see who remembers the most.

The state’s tiniest county is “Piety,” it’s somewhere in the lower left of the state but I’m not sure of that. Folks there seem to gather in structures with a steeple on top. The “steeple” baffles Courage county because a flat roof would have been cheaper. Neighbors hear singing throughout the day, especially on Sundays. Why Sunday? I’m don’t know because that’s the perfect day to sleep-in with a Bloody Mary at (or for!) lunch.

Oh, I forgot to mention the name of the state. It’s called “Awe.” Folks throughout the state constantly wonder what they’re “awing” about or for but Awe is their name.

I wonder if those counties could have a state (or “state of mind”) meeting. Is that asking too much?

Books by Fr. Joe Jagodensky, SDS.
Available at Amazon.com:
“Soulful Musings”
“Living Faith’s Mysteries”
“Spiritual Wonderings and Wanderings”

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The Blind See & Others Don’t Listen

Based on this Lenten Reading

valentine_love_is_blindA Hollywood story involves the legendary film director Alfred Hitchcock and one of his favorite leading ladies, Grace Kelly.

Kelly had turned down the chance to star alongside Marlon Brando in On the Waterfront to play opposite Jimmy Stewart in Hitchcock’s 1954 suspense classic, Rear Window. (Eva Saint Marie replaced Kelly.) Kelly and Hitchcock got along famously. But Kelly later recalled in an interview, a minor snag developed on the set regarding Kelly’s wardrobe.

She said, “At the rehearsal for the scene in Rear Window when I wore a sheer nightgown, Hitchcock called for [costume designer] Edith Head. He came over here and said, ‘Look, the bosom is not right, we’re going to have to put something in there.’ He was very sweet about it; he didn’t want to upset me, so he spoke quietly to Edith. We went into my dressing room and Edith said, ‘Mr. Hitchcock is worried because there’s a false pleat here. He wants me to put in falsies.’

“‘Well,” I said, ‘You can’t put falsies in this, it’s going to show—and I’m not going to wear them.’” And she said, ‘What are we going to do?’ So we quickly took it up here, made some adjustments there, and I just did what I could and stood as straight as possible — without falsies. When I walked out onto the set Hitchcock looked at me and at Edith and said, ‘See what a difference they make?’”

All too often we see and hear what we want to hear and see. (And, aren’t we’re always right!)

The gospel is about sin but the solution of sin is what?

The root of sin is about tainted eyes that don’t see clearly and lots of wasted words on wax-ladened ears that can no longer hear. (If I was an Alexian Village today, I’d have fun talking about poor eyesight and deafness.)

When you and I are having a serious conversation especially a political one; while you’re still speaking I’m working on my response. (I do that all the time.) Or while I’m composing my reply in my head, you say something at the end that I agree with. (Now what do I say?!)

Are our eyes wide open to see our differences and seek a common vision? Are these two organs on both sides of our noses wide enough to clearly see God’s message in action, a message that’s often hidden but staring us both into our eyes? (And, God’s message may be completely different than our differing, petty, personal views!)

Are those appendages we call ears on both sides of our faces open enough to hear
—a child’s plea
—the unheard feelings behind her heard sentences
—that “inner voice” that says we’re wrong but we do it anyway
—the whisperings of someone’s grief even when there’s nothing you can do about it but     offer up a silent prayer
—that annoyingly noisy silence in the evening which invites personal reflection but we try to escape it through television, alcohol/drugs, some stupid video game, or telling the world on Facebook what we did today

“Wide Open” our eyes and ears need to be throughout the year but especially sensitive to them during Lent.

The youngest of Papa Jesse’s lot, chosen to be the King of Israel: (is not the smartest or oldest nor the one who raised her hand the most in grade school) was David:  “ruddy, a youth handsome to behold and making a splendid appearance.” For all of David’s profound sinfulness he eventually found redemption by listening more and seeing better the greatness of God, God’s immense forgiveness, David’s place within God’s Kingdom and how David could make that Kingdom real here and now – in his personal life, in his profession, among his friends and reinforced in his thoughts and expressed through his deeds.

Well during this sacred six weeks of Lent and throughout the year; from this man standing before you today: “ruddy, a youth handsome to behold and making a splendid appearance” to all of you –
—keep rubbing those eyes searching for the eyes of God
—and keep cleaning out that wax because God is truly speaking and listening along with us.

books by Fr. Joe Jagodensky, SDS, available in paperback or Kindle at Amazon:
“Soulful Musings”
“Living Faith’s Mysteries”
“Spiritual Wonderings and Wanderings”
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Transition?

changeOne of my cats is captured by the bright light of my laptop as I write this and as the cloudy sunset captures mine. (It’s Wisconsin, what can I say? We have lots of “cloudy sun!”)

The experts call it a “transition,” what a nice work to use instead of saying, “You’re in a hole, a deep hole” that doesn’t appear to have a ladder. This is the “in betweens” I’ve loved to write about but this “between” is a bit too pinching when it happened to me.

“Why look to the forward when you haven’t finished the past,” I read somewhere. I wonder what change she was going through and if she “finished” her past.

“Finishing.” No idea what that means. If corporate standards abruptly finished me, my “finishing” is now my forced task? What is there to finish when the finishing was finished for me in one, long sentence with no feeling or appreciation for the many “finishings” I furnished for many years for older adults. (Funerals)

“Give yourself time,” is a comforting reminder from friends when time is all I have to give myself. Time for what? I’m getting pretty good at staring at something for no reason. I click out of it and find something else to stare down. (My apartment has never been cleaner and I promised myself to do laundry three weeks ago. “Tomorrow, tomorrow!”)

The soft word “transition” reminds me when garbage collectors became “sanitary engineers” as though they attended MIT and a secretary became an executive assistant. This is not a “transition” for me because the past would then meld with the present. This period is one-sided: focused purely on the past and what happened.

When I find a new position, then I can use the word “transition” but until then I’m in a hole with lots and lots of time surrounding me.

My other cat is sound asleep in the other room. I think that’s the cat capturing the dream of my next step.

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Unemployed Time

clock“I can do that in two days, Friday,” I say to myself and five seconds later realize that tomorrow is Friday. I laugh to myself and then a few tears fall.

Tomorrow is Friday. Three words that escape someone who has nothing but time on his hands. Maybe that’s my problem; time is on “my” hands but not in my mind.

I now write down the few things I need to do for each day of the following week. Being unemployed, it amazes me how my day flies (wrong!) by but there is usually two events I need to tend to.

Today, (I now know that today is Thursday, by the way) I took my cat for his yearly shots and that spent thirty minutes of my scheduled day which began at 9:30 am which I thought was early for me to rise these days. Waiting for his 2:00 pm appointment, I received a call needing information about my forthcoming 65th birthday and becoming a medical ward of the government. (Trump would love me.) That erased another thirty minutes from my day. Answering her questions was easy – it was all details of my life which I could easily answer even though I thought today was Wednesday. (Does anyone, ever, forget his/her Social Security number!)

I return my confused-traveling cat to my confusing, humble dwelling and wonder if he’s worth $105.00 for three shots when money has suddenly become an issue in my life. (“There’s still two days left in this deodorant!”)

Knowing it’s Thursday doesn’t change my unemployed situation because it could also be Tuesday, but that would screw up my weekly calendar.

Tomorrow is Friday and I have two events both lunch and dinner so I don’t need to remind myself to eat. Friendly folks have done that for me on Friday.

But soon it’ll be Saturday’s food that I’m worried about. Or is it Sunday’s that I’m concerned about.

Oh my gosh! Just look at the time?

books by Fr. Joe Jagodensky, SDS, available in paperback or Kindle at Amazon:
“Soulful Musings”
“Living Faith’s Mysteries”
“Spiritual Wonderings and Wanderings”
Posted in Being Fired, Spirituality | Tagged | Leave a comment

A Sunday “Swing”

gg56951099The motion is simply back and forth but to a four-year-old, it’s reaching the stars on the “back” and familiar hands propelling him with the “forth.” Whatever thoughts contain a youngster are exchanged with the glory of this arc-movement. His only responsibility is a slight kick to keep “reaching the stars.”

The “back” are dad’s strong hands that held him for the first time four years ago and now pushes his smiling son toward the sky. “The sky,” it’s only about eight-feet upward and then back to those familiar hands.

What’s dad thinking about? It’s tonight’s pending supper because his wife’s not feeling well. “Weiner’s again? Oh, why not. There’s some macaroni somewhere in the pantry. How long should I keep pushing him? Just look at his smile, it’s wide open when the air hits my small guy with just an eight-foot expansion.”

Is the pliable boy now, at most an astronaut or a gravelly-sounding airline pilot ready to tell his passengers that their upward trip is about to begin? By dad’s clock, the whole event is measured by time but for his son, it’s timeless energy needing to be spent.

The whole experience is over in less than ten minutes but the bonding is forever kept somewhere – within the youngster’s young mind this small event is captured and stored in a mind’s place that is never retrieved but felt, dad’s mind is stored with another chance to be with his son while wondering what college will cost in fourteen years.

The two of them return to the house – son running but dad slowly walking, not because it’s “Weiner-night-again” but what a great son he has and his prayerful hope that his son “reaches for the stars” in whatever he says or does.

books by Fr. Joe Jagodensky, SDS, available in paperback or Kindle at Amazon:
“Soulful Musings”
“Living Faith’s Mysteries”
“Spiritual Wonderings and Wanderings”
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Grieving

stuck-at-workIt’s the first of her five but I dismissed her list years ago as if there’s a system I must follow in order to pass Monopoly’s “Go” and get my $200.00.

There is no formula to grieving but only the experience “of” and its passage “through.” “It’s been a month now, get yourself together,” is the one I’m waiting to hear before I want to punch those words back into his/her mouth.

“You’ll be all right,” “It’s only temporary,” “This is a good time for you,” “You have lots of gifts to share,” “I know this is hard for you,” “You only have a few years left,” “The same thing happened to my sister,” (followed by a long story while I’m standing unemployed in front of her with her detailed story). And I’d love to slam both doors shut to that “two-door” story.

Grieving is a slow emptying of nothing-feelings that fill you up – bits and pieces, odds and ends of that known past and its unknown future. How long does grieving last? According to my friends, it should have ended days ago. (American’s attention span?)

It’s like my friends want to change their TV channel and watch the next program, “We’re watching this show but it’s starting to drag.” “I envy you, you get to sleep in” is a favorite of mine as though luxury has now flooded my life instead of an enveloping depression with its unanswerables, “Why?”

If the dismissal was being fired then at least I’d have a starting point to correct what failed me. Being “eliminated” seems to take me off life’s map like that lifted plastic that erases childish drawings.

“It’s not supposed to happen to me!” I suspect will be my next haunting thought as though it should happen to someone else. I could fit that thought into my schedule, say between “What’s happening to me now?” and “Why is my heart racing when I’m just sitting and it’s only 1:00 p.m.?

My two cats are a great comfort living in their unthinkable world of pure smells and affection instead of my present world of only sad and troubling thoughts. I sense they’re sensing their future food chain problem: No Money=No Cat food=Me Not Being Happy. They are trusting souls that can surely teach me about trust (and a little bit of future’s luck).

I know the grieving will not last, (I’m starting to bore myself!) but I know it’s significance. You cannot say “hello” unless you first say “goodbye.” I know that will gradually happen in my body but my soul predicts it’ll take a lot longer than anyone’s list moving from one feeling to another. The last one on her list is “acceptance” but I perceive that as “resignation” and I didn’t resign. From my employer, I was coldly eliminated but to very dear friends who support me, their responses always sadly end with, “Oh, Fr. Joe.”

That I like.

books by Fr. Joe Jagodensky, SDS, available in paperback or Kindle at Amazon:
“Soulful Musings”
“Living Faith’s Mysteries”
“Spiritual Wonderings and Wanderings”
Posted in Spirituality | Tagged | 2 Comments

The Time of Dusk, II

“Can you hold on for a minute, I have another call.”
“You’ll call is very important, please stay on the line”
(first-time caller hears) “Please listen carefully as our menu has changed.”
“Can you wait just a few minutes, I have someone in my office.”
“I’ll be with you in a minute.”
(sign says) “If you’ve waited for more than fifteen minutes”
“I’d love to talk to you now but I’m in a hurry”
“You said the check would arrive yesterday”
“Okay,” Hospice said, ‘six months’ and it’s been over a year now”
Unemployed speaks for itself
“What’s holding her up, we’re ready to eat?”
“You promised me a month ago”
“Your tests came back today but we’re still not sure”
“Your call is very important us,” followed by crappy music
“The marriage annulment process takes about a year to complete”
“It’ll just be a moment longer”
“You need to make a decision, now if I were you…” (Thank God, you’re not!)

Unemployed: If I hear the “two doors” story once, I’ll scream. Sweetly said to me, “When one door closes…” and some cloud in the sky has a “lining” for me.

“We’re sorry for the delay in your meal…”

“The plane has been delayed.” Then why not add to the announcement, “Please take this in between time to meet someone new, grab their email address and then laugh through words when you both return home from this forced “in between” time.”

“Heaven or Hell?” Talk about in between time!

books by Fr. Joe Jagodensky, SDS, available in paperback or Kindle at Amazon:
“Soulful Musings”
“Living Faith’s Mysteries”
“Spiritual Wonderings and Wanderings”

 

Posted in Dusk, Spirituality | 1 Comment

Some “How To’s” for Lent

ash-wednesdaySo you missed Ash Wednesday. Lent’s begun and there is always time to jump into the desert as John and Jesus did.

If Advent is grounded in hope and promise then Lent is a suspension of time. Spending forty days in the desert can erase time quickly. Just like John and Jesus – free of time yet full of its open minutes and hours. (And I don’t mean the desert of Palm Springs.)

During suspended time your routine is broken and the familiar is taken away from you, at least for forty days. Just think of six weeks of rehabilitation after knee surgery and you get what I’m getting at.

Within suspended time you are able to break yourself open, just a little, in order to identify with the brokenness Jesus felt during betrayals, lies, jealousies, humiliation and finally death.  Don’t let Easter get in your way. Lent is a time of timelessness. A true faith-filled suspension.

That letter you never wrote to an estranged friend or the arguments with a friend who is now deceased. Even in death, a silent prayer of healing for both of you is time well spent. That book you read years ago next to all the other books may need a once-more read. (If you need a Lenten suggestion, try Joan Didion’s “The Year of Magical Thinking.” Her husband suddenly dies before supper while her daughter fights for her life in the hospital. It’s a haunting recount of Joan’s past year which may triggered a suspended time for you.) That quiet time you keep promising yourself after the children go to bed has its time during this season. That cluttered basement you haven’t cleaned, as silly as it sounds, even has a Lenten ring to it. No one is always right (or left). If you’re a liberal, tap into a bit of Fox News to hear what they’re saying. It’s the state of our country and we need to somehow understand each other. MSNBC for the rest of you, as well.

My list could go but I’m probably talking more about myself than offering suggestions to you. As a faithful person, you know in your heart what this time provides you. Some tasks may take lessening your pride or bolstering your self-confidence but both are worthy of your Lenten attention.

But remember, there’s no Easter without Lent and there’s no better time than the time the Church provides us.

books by Fr. Joe Jagodensky, SDS, available in paperback or Kindle at Amazon:
“Soulful Musings”
“Living Faith’s Mysteries”
“Spiritual Wonderings and Wanderings”
Posted in Lent, Spirituality | 1 Comment