“He’s dead. He’s gone. It’s over. He’s dead. I can finally launch my new 800 number. It’s available to everyone, everywhere. 1-800-it’sallaboutme. I know it’s long but it’s surely easy to remember. Repeat number. ’One call, that’s all.’ (That guy stole it from me, by the way.) He’s dead and finished and now my 800 number becomes one-stop shopping.

(camera closeup) I’m offering a full array of skin cream. I’m noticing these bags under my eyes and how my forehead furrows. My wonderful cream can help you as well.

My 1-800-it’sallaboutme. becomes not only a telephone number but my website site, http://www.it’sallaboutme.com and additionally my own TV show, ‘The It’sallaboutme Talk Show.’

Now that he’s dead, please welcome my three special guests to my very own show, all about myself and totally dedicated to numero uno – moi. (I think that’s three languages in one…and all about me!)

Please help me welcome the selfishly, clever, ever-self-serving obsessive ruler of Judea…Mr. Double P!”

‘Thanks, Fr. Joe but no introduction is needed for me. I’m the fourth person mentioned in your Creed but now that’s he dead, I get to move up to the number one spot. “Died under me?” how ridiculous can this stuff get? You guys killed him, I didn’t.

I sing “Happy Birthday” twice when I wash my hands. My hands are clean and my lips are sealed.

He simply got in my way. All that “king” talk, dressed in purple as though he’s royalty…thorns for a crown? How’s he able to upstage me in all my pure glory? Glory! I’ve earned for offering the largest audience ever for a crucifixion. ‘Must-see TV,’ as NBC would say. Mr. Double PP stands proudly before you without him and his weird stories about the lowly becoming strong, the downtrodden raised up? He’s dead and I’m still gloriously here.’

“Thanks, Mr. Double P. My next guest on (repeat) needs no introduction. He’s holding and counting thirty pieces of it for proof. Let’s give it up for the lost apostle.”

’25, 26, 27, 28, 29…darn. Oh, Hi everyone. Yes, it’s me. One of two names you’d never name your kid. Me and Hitler. I’m not such a bad sort, looking about myself. 26, 27, 28,29. He’s dead and I’m still here. That suicide story was only if he didn’t die. But, he did. I didn’t lose my head. I have a head for numbers but my numbers just don’t seem to add up. 27, 28,29.

I seemed to have lost one. But I’ll find it. He’s gone and finally finished. He said we’d always have the poor with us…so…let the poor be poor. 28, 29. I can’t seem to get passed 29. I wonder who the rotten scoundrel is who stole my number 30 coin? I’ll find him, kiss him and then kill him just like I did the other loser. 26, 27, 28,29.’

“My final guest on ‘The It’sallaboutme Talk Show.’ will one day become the first pope. Yep. You heard me right. The guy’s dead, he’s not coming back and this joker thinks he’ll have a fancy apartment in Rome for the rest of his life. The dead guy changed his name to Peter but, you know, a ‘rose by other name…’ A round of applause for the one and only Peter!”

‘Thanks, Fr. Joe. I know he’s gone forever, never to return but that garden scene with me is just wrong. Now that’s he’s dead I can finally clarify that there was no crow. That three time denial of him was good for the media but didn’t help me, one bit.

I know he’s dead now. There’s no question about it. I liked the guy. Misunderstood him how many times. I liked him then I loved him; from like and then toward love. I’m just not sure. Honest.’

‘Well, there you have it folks, three colorful characters to testify that that guy is truly dead and now it’s all about my new telephone and website. Oh, a complete, selfish clothing line begins in about a month.

Like they do on the radio, always give the number three times. For all your foolish fools in the audience. 1-800-it’sallaboutme. That’s 1-800-it’sallaboutme. That’s 1-800-it’sallaboutme.

Call now and mention the promo code, “me” and receive a 10% discount. It’s only two letters so even fools like you and me can’t forget it.

Promo code, “me.” You people call this Good Friday. I call this the Best Friday, ever!

Easter Vigil Message, 2020

From C.S. Lewis.
“I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: ‘I’m ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don’t accept his claim to be God.’ That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic — on the level with the man who says he is a poached egg — or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God, or else a madman or something worse. You can shut him up for a fool, you can spit at him and kill him as a demon or you can fall at his feet and call him Lord and God, but let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about his being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to. … Now it seems to me obvious that He was neither a lunatic nor a fiend: and consequently, however strange or terrifying or unlikely it may seem, I have to accept the view that He was and is God.”