It’s the first of her five but I dismissed her list years ago as if there’s a system I must follow in order to pass Monopoly’s “Go” and get my $200.00.
There is no formula to grieving but only the experience “of” and its passage “through.” “It’s been a month now, get yourself together,” is the one I’m waiting to hear before I want to punch those words back into his/her mouth.
“You’ll be all right,” “It’s only temporary,” “This is a good time for you,” “You have lots of gifts to share,” “I know this is hard for you,” “You only have a few years left,” “The same thing happened to my sister,” (followed by a long story while I’m standing unemployed in front of her with her detailed story). And I’d love to slam both doors shut to that “two-door” story.
Grieving is a slow emptying of nothing-feelings that fill you up – bits and pieces, odds and ends of that known past and its unknown future. How long does grieving last? According to my friends, it should have ended days ago. (American’s attention span?)
It’s like my friends want to change their TV channel and watch the next program, “We’re watching this show but it’s starting to drag.” “I envy you, you get to sleep in” is a favorite of mine as though luxury has now flooded my life instead of an enveloping depression with its unanswerables, “Why?”
If the dismissal was being fired then at least I’d have a starting point to correct what failed me. Being “eliminated” seems to take me off life’s map like that lifted plastic that erases childish drawings.
“It’s not supposed to happen to me!” I suspect will be my next haunting thought as though it should happen to someone else. I could fit that thought into my schedule, say between “What’s happening to me now?” and “Why is my heart racing when I’m just sitting and it’s only 1:00 p.m.?
My two cats are a great comfort living in their unthinkable world of pure smells and affection instead of my present world of only sad and troubling thoughts. I sense they’re sensing their future food chain problem: No Money=No Cat food=Me Not Being Happy. They are trusting souls that can surely teach me about trust (and a little bit of future’s luck).
I know the grieving will not last, (I’m starting to bore myself!) but I know it’s significance. You cannot say “hello” unless you first say “goodbye.” I know that will gradually happen in my body but my soul predicts it’ll take a lot longer than anyone’s list moving from one feeling to another. The last one on her list is “acceptance” but I perceive that as “resignation” and I didn’t resign. From my employer, I was coldly eliminated but to very dear friends who support me, their responses always sadly end with, “Oh, Fr. Joe.”
That I like.