Cable News, But Is It

Host: (camera moves constantly and pictures jump in and out)

“Thanks for joining us tonight. I want to share with you some fear, slight fears and still more slight fears (all about people in the opposite political party) in the hopes that you continue watching us for the complete hour. It’s important that you watch us for the full hour. Later tonight I’ll present to you, shockingly, still more fear, and new tonight, some doubt, colored with some fearful overtones that we’re hearing about that will affect your life right now… and you’ll hear it all tonight.

(That’s right after these many, long minutes of commercials talking about how oil companies are best using our money, drugs that will camouflage whatever sexual ailment you may have and local ads dealing with civil lawyers and mattresses…we’ll be right back.)

Host: “Thanks for staying with us during all those long, boring advertisements but joining me now is three guests who will completely agree with me on all the issues that I’ve raised tonight to increase your fear and, yes, your doubts. Joining me now is Clone One from an online web sight that no one will ever visit, Clone Two is a columnist whose credentials are vague and Clone Three is a consultant for this television station, so you already know what she’ll say.

First off, what about this fear that I’m hearing about today from the other political camp, Clone One.”

Clone One: “Right you are, Host, (whose network invited me to be on your show because of my similar views) the fear today is mounting. I can only hope that it doesn’t explode in the next ten minutes because it is so grave.”

Host: “Here’s a clip from today’s fear. (CLIP) “Did you hear that, Clone Two. I’m amazed that was ever even said.”

Clone Two: (laughingly) “Oh, that’s not new. That person said that two weeks ago and the media still hasn’t pick up on it yet. Luckily, your show has the guts to air that message and get that fear out in the open. Because you know (platitude time) fear always makes us scared and we are not a country to be scared. We will rise to every occasion and fight fear where ever we see it, especially if it is in the other political party.”

Host: “Boy, I couldn’t have said it better myself.” (Why would he have invited her had she said something differently?!) “I have still more pending fear and a sneaky fear that is looming ahead.”

Clone Three: “I saw that earlier this morning and I’m as shocked as you are. And I’m sure that the whole country is shocked as well (speaking for the entire United States, nice touch!) More so, I learned that there is even more fear ahead. We thought that the fear we feared now was fearful; well, just wait because the dust hasn’t settled yet. (Clone Three wishes to be invited back for a future broadcast.)

Host: Well, we’ll just have to wait and see what fear ensues from the fear that I’ve already described. How much fear can this country endure under that political party which is not a part of the political party to which I belong? More to come tomorrow when you need to watch once again because more fear is shown to you without any resolution, no direction and not one solution.”